WC
by MrPresident
Summary: Occupied.
1. Champagne Supernova

**W.C.**

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**Chapter One - Champagne Supernova**

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**_Disclaimer:_** I do not own the characters of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or the character of Dangermouse or Father Ted. I do not own the characters of ER, Friends, 24, The Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy...I don't own many characters actually. Maybe it would just be simply me listing the characters I do own...

**_Timeline: _**1066 - Battle of Hastings, 1215 - Magna Carta, 1321 - Discovery of the letter W. 1492 - Discovery of America. 1493 - Re-discovery of America after someone forgot where they had placed it; it was next to Columbus's car keys behind the sofa. 1746 - Birth of Bob. 1900 - Turn of the century. 1914 - Big ass war. 1939 - Even bigger ass war. 1950 - Not so big ass war. 1964 - Not big ass war but bigger assed than the previous not as big ass war. 1964 to 2003 - Nothing of mention.  

"You know Buffy I've been thinking..." Xander paused awaiting Buffy's response yet it didn't come. He looked over to his blonde (*cough*...what?) friend to see her struggling to open a carton of apple juice. 

"What?" She said.

"I said, you know Buffy I've been thinking..."

She looked at him expressionless.

"Oh for God's sake." He exclaimed. "Your meant to say," He made speech marks with his hands, "Really? God for you." He stopped doing the speech mark thing. "Or something like that."

"Oh. Sorry. I was trying to get this damn thing open."

Xander grabbed the carton, "Give it here."

"Hey! Oh, I see. Just because you're a man you think that somehow the irrefutable laws of carton opening did not apply to..."

Xander handed back the newly opened carton, "There you go."

Buffy looked at the carton, looked at Xander and then back to the carton. "Yeah, well, I loosed it for you."

"Sure."

"I did!"

"Sure, you did."

"Good! I'm glad you agree."

"So I've been thinking and I've decided something."

"What's..." Buffy took a sip of her drink, "...That?"

"I've decided to..." Xander paused like Buffy just had, "...sell my comic books."

"What?" A stream of apple juice came out of Buffy's nose. "Wait? Did you say you were going to sell your comic books?"

"Yeah."

"I lost some of my precious apple juice for that? I thought it was something important like you've decided to have a sex change or decided to ask me out on..." Buffy managed to stop herself in mid-sentence. "...Just the sex change one. I thought it was something important like you've decided to have a sex change."

Xander didn't seem to hear what Buffy had just said, much to her relief. He said, almost as if he was talking to himself, "Yeah, I'm going to sell my comic books. I've decided that I have to grow up. No more living in the past. No more living like an immature teenage boy."

"So you're also going to stop watching cartoons?"

"God, no!" 

"Hey, won't those comic fetch a tidy sum?"

"Yeah, they ought too."

"What ya going to do with the money? Go on holiday? Buy me some jewellery? Get a new TV? Buy me some jewellery? Take me on holiday?

"Probably just put it in the bank."

Buffy made a disappointed sound. Kind of a cross between the death cry of a bald Eagle and the sound made by a Badger when you poke it with a Jam-covered fork.

"Why?" Asked Xander interested in why Buffy had made said sound.

"No reason."

"Oh."

"Why?"

"No reason."

"Oh."

"I just had a strange feeling of deja vu." Said Xander who had just experienced a strange feeling of deja vu...Wow, I just experienced a strange feeling of deja vu. Anyway on with the story...

"What other kinds of deja vus do you feel?"

"Familiar."

"Damn. You always have an answer, don't you?"

Xander paused with an expression of thoughts on his face. "...Yes."

"Why is that?"

"It's just a gift, I suppose. Kind of like you and your ability to make crappy pancakes."

"Hey!"

"Sorry, I meant," Xander did the speech mark thing again, "Taste-challenged" And he stopped again, "pancakes."

"Hey! At least my pancakes look like pancakes unlike your so-called trifle."

"Don't belittle the trifle."

"I'll belittle any food substance I wish."

"Even chocolate?"

"Especially chocolate."

Xander gasped.

"Oh, yeah. I was tough little..." Buffy searched for an appropriate word.

"Cookie?" Suggested Xander.

"Cookie? Is that how you see me?"

"How is cookie offensive? Lard I could understand, maybe even bacon, but cookie?"

"Cookie is offensive." Said Buffy matter of factly.

"How?"

"In the unexplainable kind of way."

"I hate the unexplainable kind of way."

"Don't you hate the explainable kind of way as well?"

"Only if I hate the explanation."

"So you're selling your comic books?"

"Yeah."

"And your not going to buy me anything with the money?"

"Probably not."

"You know where the door is."

"I also know where the window is."

"No, I meant..."

Xander cut her off. "That's great Buffy, but I have to go."

"No, you don't understand. I was throwing you out."

"Yeah, Okay. I'll call you tomorrow."

"I threw you out! I threw you out!" 

"Sure, Buffy. Whatever you say."


	2. Is That A Prawn In Your Pocket Or Are Yo...

**Chapter Two - Is That A Prawn In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?**

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Xander entered the Summer's house just as he had done forever since he could remember, through the front door. To be honest he had never had any desire to enter through any other entrance. Maybe if there was a big tree right aside Buffy's window that might have been different but then this wasn't a television show where stuff like that just "happened" to occur.

"Hey." He said to the younger Summer sister. "What's shaking?...Let me rephrase that."

Before he could Dawn said, "She can't hear you."

"I don't know what you are talking about." Xander said in an unusually loud voice and then he continued in a whisper, "Are you sure?"

Dawn nodded but Xander took a look around as he stepped inside just to be safe. "So, how's my favourite Summer sister doing?"

"Favourite?"

Xander had another look around, "Sure, favourite."

"I'm doing fine. Fine is how I am doing. Nothing wrong with Dawnie here. Dawnie is doing just fine."

"Okay, spread them." Xander said whilst turning Dawn against wall.

"I have stolen anything! You don't need to search me."

"Stolen? Nah, I just wanted to cop a feel." The familiar Xander grin had appeared on his face by now.

Dawn giggled and was about to respond before a recently emerged Buffy beat her to it, "Cop a feel for who?"

Xander turned around in complete shock. He was speechless.

"Cop a feel from who?" Repeated Buffy with a little more force.

"Um..." Xander stalled for time, as his mind worked like it had never worked before. Buffy was getting increasingly impatient and Xander knew the situation looked bad. He decided to do the only thing he could do in this situation, be semantic. "To whom."

It didn't work. Buffy looked even more pissed than before, which Xander didn't think possible. "Okay Buffy I know this looks bad." Immediately after he finished that sentence Xander turned to Dawn and said in a frantic whisper, "Run Dawn, run for your life." 

Dawn quickly made her exit to the safety of upstairs but remained well within earshot.

Xander then turned back to Buffy, "Okay, do your worst to me but don't hurt the girl. She is just a poor little innocent prawn in my diabolically evil chess game."

Buffy couldn't help but let out a laugh, "It's pawn not prawn, Xander."

"Not according to my seafood version of chess. It's not the winning that counts, it's the race to the toilet."

"Why is it that all your games involve the toilet in someway?"

"That's not true. Some of my games involve the word 'strip'."

"Silly me. How could I have forgotten strip guess the number of fingers behind your back?"

"I don't know. That was a great game, it's a pity you didn't want to play it."

"Somehow I wasn't too confident in the judge."

"I was the judge."

"Exactly."

"Hey, I would have been fair to both sides."

"Just accept the fact that we will never play any game with the word strip in it."

"Never! It is every man's dream."

"I thought it was every man's dream to have a television in their toilet."

"We can have more than one dream."

"Forgive me if I find that hard to believe."

"Why? Don't you think men can think of two things at any one time?"

"Not unless one of them is sex."

"Hey!"

"Xander, it is a known fact that men think about sex every six seconds."

"That's a bogus stat made up by some feminist scientist with too much time on her hands."

"So, you don't think about sex every six seconds?"

"No."

"One...two...three..."

"Damn!"

"Three? You could only manage three seconds?"

"If someone had just walked in then...And it's not my fault, you didn't exactly make it easy for me."

Buffy looked down at her clothes and then back at Xander with a confused look on her face. "How exactly did I not make it very easy for you?"

"Well..." Xander paused as he realised the big metaphorical bear trap in front of him. "I just remember that I came here to tell you something. Oh yeah, that's it." He said pretending to just remember it. "Willow and Tara are having a party."

"What for?"

"I don't know. Probably some lesbian full moon thing."

"Lesbian full moon thing?"

"I wasn't really listening. I was thinking about..."

"Sex?"

"...No. I was thinking about where the word lesbian comes from."

"So you were thinking about sex then?"

"...Yeah."


End file.
